Beer Review Number 3: Brazil

Carnival, the tannest endurance test I've ever witnessed, was quite a beast. Think you're good at drinking? Think you can hang with the hombres grande? Well pack your liver in a suitcase and come on down, because this bitch takes some talent to get through.

Theres beer on the beach. On every street corner. In every store. On every menu. And seemingly in everyones hand. I think there was beer in my cereal. Everyone drinks. In the morning. All through the day and way into the night. I saw a mother puking on her child who inturn puked on their dog. Everybody be hammered here.

"So" you might say, "the beer must be amazing with all those people drinking it up."
I would reply in return, "No. It isnt. In fact it tastes like piss. And it doesn't matter what brand you drink, its all coming from the same penis. " (HA unintended play on words there)

I'm not going to do an individual breakdown of the beers. As they're all pretty much the same. Skol, Devassa, Antartica, and Brahma. All terrible in there unoriginal, indescernable ways. Instead i'll just continue to complain.

Truth be told. Not all the women in Rio are hot. Not are all in shape. Some are fat. Everyone is tan. And the beer is terrible. I mean real bad. Bad like in you better drink that beer ice cold, straight from the cooler, in 1 minute or less or you'll have a can full of dog pee pee to deal with. I can not understand why people make bad beer. Moreover I really cant understand why people make lots of different types of bad beer. Some things in this world I guess are beyond me.

What do you get when you force piss flavored beer down your gullet all day and all night in the hottest weather youve ever felt? Why the worst hangovers you've ever had of course. The kind that make you pray for the sweet mercy of death. Waking up with a mouth so dry you could grow corn and potatoes on your tounge. Headaches so blinding you wish you could take your eyeballs out with mellon ball peelers. Bad stuff man. Not advisable on any level.

What then to do during Carnival if you're going to avoid the beer. Drugs are always an option, especially if you want to goto jail and be rapped by a tranny. Option number two, you could go the hard alcohol route, but its kind of expensive and will likely end in the same suicide inducing state of hangover that beer does. So...I say drink the piss. Drink it cold. Drink it proud. Let that golden pee shower over your face and drink it all in one gulp. You're in Rio after all, there's boobies to see!

*Perhaps the best beer related story during Carnival was the presence of Paris Hilton promoting Devassa beer. Whatever ad agency is responsible for landing her as a spokesperson for a beer whos name literally means 'dirty slut' should be awarded a medal. Brilliant marketing. Here's said spokes person gracefully promoting the beer at a Night club in Rio. Bravo Paris, you make all of America proud.